Buffy!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think I have ever made a post titled Buffy before :) Anyway, in my reflections of my hysterectomy anniversary, I thought I should talk some more about my surrogacy.

Most people think Buffy is "just" carrying our baby. That is untrue. She is doing so much more. The greatest gift she is giving us is of course the baby. A perfect miracle, with a little bit of Luke and a little bit of me. A 3rd bundle of joy to call our own. She is also helping me heal. I can't speak for all intended parents and I am a little biased because I truly believe I have the best surrogate. She is perfect for me and our family. I think Buffy helps me recover from this traumatic, tragic, thing that happened to me. She does for me what a lot of people couldn't. It's get through my experience enough to live the rest of my life without anger and resentment. I realize how lucky I am to live in a country where surrogacy is legal, live in a state that is surrogate friendly, and find the perfect person to carry one (of three) of my most treasured possessions.

It was a long time after my hysterectomy that I began to feel normal. It was at the 1 year mark. Before that I was devoted to my husband and children of course, but when I was alone, either before I fell asleep or in the shower, i would cry my eyes out. I wanted to be "normal" dammit. I wanted to just have sex with my husband and make a baby the easy way. I didn't want to be a "freak" I didn't want to be known as the lady who wanted to have more babies but couldn't because she had a hysterectomy. It was also very difficult physically. I don't think many people realized how hard it was for me. i would get winded doing very easy things. My incision hurt alot, and to this day bothers me if I wear certain waist bands that hit it. I wanted to do all the things I could before, yet I was tired alot. I wanted to feel feminine and pretty again. I was angry the hysterectomy not only took my uterus, but also my self confidence, my energy, I didn't know who I was anymore. At the 1 year mark, I don't know what happened. I guess I realized and I mentioned before, there were so many people who thought I should "just get over it" and "be grateful for the two kids I had", that I DIDN'T have to do that. What did these people know? That it's ok to be sad, mad, and feel it's unfair! IT IS UNFAIR!!!!

I started following the steps of grieving. My hysterectomy was a very real loss of ME.

1. Denial
I think I had this for a while. I worked really hard so people would think I was better. Than it was almost as if nothing had really happened.

2. Anger
I had this alot the first year. I questioned God, why he would do this to me? I questioned what did I do wrong in life to have this happen?

3. Bargaining
I did this too. In this phase, I wished for crazy things like maybe having a second uterus the doctor didn't see but would still work. or having an ectopic pregnancy (i had seen this on a TLC show) where the baby grew outside the uterus and attached to the liver. I wished this was me!

4. Depression
I had it. Luke and the kids kept me from going into a deep, dark depression, but it was hard to go on.

5. Acceptance
I am here. I have accepted what has happened. I have even looked for the positives, which are I found Buffy, I know what I want my career to be in life, and I am an all around better person. Buffy helps with my acceptance because I finally feel in control of my fertility. It was taken away to save my life, but I have overcome it. it's very triumphant. I had the determination, the drive, the passion to make my dreams become reality. Not many people in this world can say that.