Today part 2

So the hard part begins. Writing about the actual process that took my fertility.

I remember Dr. Ahuja coming in and discussing with me, that I was losing too much blood. They were worried I would go into cardiac arrest. He told me they were planning on doing a D&C however if that was unsuccessful, that I would need a partial hysterectomy. There wasn't a choice in this. It was this or die. I remember getting ready to go into the D&C and somehow *knew* I would need the hysterectomy. It was during this time, I realized that dying was a real possiblity. I was terrified. My son was only 4 and my daughter was 10days old. I had spent the better part of 3 years trying to conceive her and now I was faced with maybe leaving them. The fear and terror I felt was awful. I remember being wheeled into the operating room, when in there I grabbed this male nurse who I only remember because he had a scrub hat on that had money on it. I pleaded with him not to let me die. I had too much to do. I had kids and a husband who needed me.

It's at this point, the story comes from others. I don't remember any of it. I came out of the D&C and they waited. I was hooked up to a cathetor, but was bleeding out more than I was getting (i was having blood transfusions). It was about 3 hours later, Luke had to sign the papers, and I was back in the operating room having my uterus removed. It was a bad situation. My doctor later said, he wasn't sure I would make it. I was within a hair of dying. I went back to my room to recover and he told Luke and my mom there was nothing more he could do. If I didn't start clotting, I was going to die.

I am not sure what happened, but it was a miracle. I started clotting. I do remember waking up and no one had to tell me what happened, I already knew. On one hand I was grateful to be alive, but I was devestated. Luke and I had always wanted a bigger family. I loved being pregnant. It wasn't fair.

Once I was stable, I was taken to ICU which was also a horrible experience. The nurses were very mean/brisk. I ended up having 48 blood transfusions. I was on a lovely medicine cocktail of iron, magneseum, potasium, and many others. I was so wear I could barely move. Do you know what my first request was? I wanted a breast pump so that I could make sure my milk supply didn't diminish.!!!!! They brought me this pump from 1820 that was probably used to milk cows. Every hour, Luke would "hook" me up so this ancient barbarick think. Of course I got nothing out, but I was determined to nurse Bella once I got better.

Now I have been in the hospital enough to know what you have to do to get out and I wanted out. So even though I wanted to crawl into a hole, I wanted to get back to my babies. So I forced myself to get out of bed and more around. I demanded they take the cathetor out so I could use the bathroom. I did eveything they told me. Dr Ajuha was concerned I would go into a depression! and knew how important nursing was to me. He arrainged for me to be moved to the maternity floor. Bella would be allowed to come back to the hospital but luke or my mom would have to be there at all times to take care of her since she wasn't a patient. Hooray I got my baby back after 4 days with out her. i was still sad because Mike couldn't stay with me too. I liked the maternity floor much better, those nurses were much nicer. They all felt awful about what happened. It was there I began thinking about surrogacy. I knew that was my path.

This was and is a very hard day for me. I am not sure how many people realize that. Nobody really mentions it, which leads me to believe they don't remember.

This year, though I have a new baby on the way. I showed my hemmorage who is boss. i still can have the family I have dreamed of with out my uterus. I WIN!!!!!!