So much to say...............

This was an eventful week personally to me, I turned 30. I was actually excited about this birthday but I know some people dread it. For me it was more than the number. I have spent most of my twenties trying to children and complete my family. I have had 5 surguries, 2 births, 3 IVF cycles, 3 injectable meds/IUI cycles and 4 clomid cycles some with IUI.

As a young girl, I never imagined that is how I would spend my twenties. IF is such an emotional rollercoaster, and it's been incredibly difficult for me. It's defined much of who I am, how I act, how my morals and ethics are, it's has made me a better mom, a better spouse. It has made me more caring to those in need and less caring to those who are terrible parents. I have complete knowledge of the female body and fertility cycles and can pretty much answer any question reguarding these. I know my own body so well I can usually pinpoint when I am ovulating (not that it does me much good now).

But to reach 30, I realized in the last 6 months, I haven't thought about the "how" I am going to have another baby. We ARE having a baby. You wuoold have no idea how freeing it is to not always be thinking in those terms. I mean yes now I have lots of thoughts on the baby and surrogacy, but the hole in my heart is definately healing. The closer we get to our due date, the more I feel freer, lighter. i am not emotionally weighed down. I am letting go of the guilt that has consumed me for so long.

I realized the other day, I am the mother of 3. Three beautiful, healthy children. A son and two daughters. I am unbelievably blessed. I have a husband (who hates when I gush about him) so we will just say is the perfect life partner for me. We found the perfect surrogate in Buffy who is making sure this pregnancy is magical and special for us. I am making my dreams come true. I do believe in miracles and that if you want something bad enough, you can have it. I defied the odds. I am having a baby with out my uterus. I survived and beat death and now I survived and beat IF. I WIN!

So to me, my 30's are exciting new territory. I am a mom of three. I am married to a much younger man currently (he's only 28) I am ready, I am excited. Everyone asked me if I felt different on my birthday and I do. I feel well..........better. I am amazed at what I have accomplished in my twenties and want to do more in my thirties. Enjoying my children as they grow, marveling at each age. I am ready to fall more in love with my husband each day. We fell in love at 15/16 and I love him in more ways now than I ever thought possible. Being with great friends and family and truly getting the most out of life. To celebrate each and everyday and thing, not just on my birthday.