What not to say..........

So in the wait to start Lupron I thought I would educate on infertility. 1 in 6 couples experiences some type of infertility (IF). Primary IF is when you can't get pregnant with your first child and Secondary IF is when you already have one or more, but can't get pregnant again. The reasons for infertility are so vast. Women can have estrogen/progestone issues, eggs issues, uterine lining issues, tube issues, Men can have # of sperm problems, have fast they move, how "normal" they are, and then there is the dreaded Unexplained. (Luke and I had the dreaded "unexplained secondary IF) diagnoses when we were trying to have Bella. It pretty much means there is nothing wrong with you and they can't figure out why you aren't conceiving! (not really helpful).

Here is a list of things you should NEVER say to someone experiencing IF --

They are young and have plenty of time--I was only 24 when I was diagnosed but it didn't help when people said, you are still so young. Well women's fertility starts declining when you hit 30 and I really wanted my children close together. Doesn't IF hurt all the same no matter what age you are?

Maybe god only wants you to have one (or none)--First who are you to tell me what god wants. He wants me a good mother to only have one baby to love, but the crack whore down the street to have 10? Did God tell you that? It seems like something he would say.....

Relax and it will happen--Really will it? it didn't happen for 2 years by the time we got our diagnosis and we were relaxed, we took vacations. Nope, I think when you have IF, usually relaxing doesn't fix it. But a RE can (reproductive endocrinologist)

IVF is against religion--Again did God tell you this? God created the modern science to have assisted reproductive technologies and I think God does want us to use them. Also in the bible there are stories of surrogacy, so again how is god against this?

Well I personally wouldn't go through all that--Well good for you! How do you know what you would do since you were super fertile? Do you know how you would feel month after month of trying and getting hurt every month it doesn't work. After 36 months when you are at your lowest of lows, really you wouldn't even consider available medical options, well again good for you.

My husband just has to look at me to get me pregnant--again good for you, but how exactly is that helpful to ME?

Are you doing it right?--um.......I think so. Why do you want to come watch and take notes? I think I know the precise hours of which I ovulate, which position is the best for baby making and to put my feet up when I am done. I know more about my body and reproduction then I ever wanted and you want to know if we know how to have sex correctly?????

Why don't you just adopt!--My response is usually "why don't you"? I am all for adoption, it's really a wonderful way to build your family, however it's not easy. It's expensive and very hard to do. Usually the person saying this has never adopted or even looked into it. If it was so easy, most people who want a baby would have one! Also the person saying this is not offering a $40,000 check help with the expense of adoption.

Don't mention how hard YOUR pregnancy is--most of the time IF people don't care. They would gladly be throwing up all day, have swollen ankles, a huge stomach, stretch marks just to have a baby. Also don't be gloatful. Personally for me, one of the hardest things, were people who would gloat in my face about how easy it was for them to get pregnant, how great it was for them.

And on a surrogacy side:
don't ask very personal questions, related to money! (if we wanted you to know we would tell you)
don't try to second guess our decisions (we are the ones who researched this for 2 years, not you. If you have a valid question, ask it, otherwise keep your thoughts to yourself)
don't pity us (we are incredibly excited to be on this journey. We have found the perfect surrogate for us and couldn't be happier)
don't say anything like this baby isn't really "our baby"(because it is. We are doing Gestational surrogacy, it's our egg and our sperm, but even if it wasn't, it would still be "OUR" baby)
don't point out the negative press surrogacy gets on then news (if you researched you would know thousands of baby's are born every year via surrogacy and it goes wonderfully. The news just doesn't talk about all of those!)

Do:
be supportive
ask valid questions if you have them, if you are interested in how the process works
be excited with us
Enjoy our surrogate pregnancy with us

What you can say/do

--be supportive, just listen.

--research IF on your own, so you can get a feeling of what they are going through

--remember them on days like Mother's day and Father's day, and things like a Baby shower, where it would be difficult for them to attend without being sad

--ask what you can do to help, usually it's only to talk, but sometimes with things like surrogacy I wanted to put the word out there to help find my surrogate.


Our therapist asked me before we began our surrogacy journey how I feel about pregnant women. I wasn't sure the right answer. My answer was yes and no. (i figured it covered all the bases) but it's true. Do pregnant women both me as a whole, not too much. I do get a twinge of sadness that I will never again be pregnant, no cute baby bump for me, no glowing air, no feeling a baby kick inside me. What makes me sad/mad is women who shouldn't be having babies getting pregnant. As I mentioned above, the crack whore, women who just keep having babies to stay on the system, women who aren't good mothers, don't really care about their children, just keep having them because they can. Those situations hurt. Like last night I went to a wedding and a very pregnant women was smoking. Doesn't she know how precious the gift she is carrying is? Does she know the baby doesn't want to smoke? Yet somehow she is "blessed" to be pregnant. It doesn't make sense.