Delays, sadness, sigh........

Story of my life. Our cycle is delayed. Apparently I need an additional blood test required by the FDA (why do they care?) and Buffy needs more suppression. Sigh.................so another week on lupron. (did I mention I don't like lupron, and neither does Luke? he makes a game of seeing how many times he can make me cry a day) I hate delays. They make me sad. IF certainly takes all the giddy fun out of baby making.

On a side note, today when i was at the clinic, I saw one of my former nurses. She saw we were doing surrogacy and asked why. When I told her about my hysterectomy, she nearly broke down in tears so of course I did too! She went on and on about how awful it was (and she didn't know the half of it) I am never sure what to say about that because it was awful. I think my crying assured her it was. That is one thing I don't understand. There are some people in my everyday life that feel like I should just "get over" my hysterectomy and then there are virtual strangers who are so caring and feeling about what I went through. i don't think I will ever "get over" it. It's just not something you can do. A lot of women in my support group have been diagnosed with Post tramatic stress syndrome. I believe it. I still have nightmares. After the fact my doctor told me my heart was racing so fast and my blood pressure was so high, he is surprised i didn't go into cardiac arrest. I guess at one point i had lost so much blood, he told my mom that there was nothing more they could do for me. I was literally knocking on death's door. My last memory, is being wheeled into the operating room, terrified i wouldn't be alive when i came out. All I could think of was my kids and Luke and how I didn't want to leave them. I remember grabbing a male nurse by the shirt and pleading with him not to let me die. That I wasn't ready, I had kids who needed me. Those are in my nightmares, that scene over and over. While i was living it, I *knew* it was bad, but didn't really know how bad until after the fact. The weird part? after the doctor told my mom there was nothing more they could do, all of a sudden, i started clotting. Why, i will never know. I do thank god. i know it was a miracle i survived.
IF has taken alot from me. My innocence, my finances!, my ability to enjoy my own pregnancy. But it has given me some things too:
1. My relationship with Luke is so much stronger now. We are so much closer after all we have been through.
2. I am a much better parent. I don't care if my house is messy, i would rather be on the floor playin legos, or coloring pictures instead of doing laundry or dishers
3. I have an excellent group of ladies my "Cycle Sisters" who I could not have gotten through these past couple years without. it's amazing that women who never met, but are all going through the same things can become so close. They have really helped me keep my sanity during all my IF struggles.
4. I am a strong person. I have become stronger because of IF and much more certain of what I want out of life.
5. I have no tolerance for terrible parents. i can't stand them. It's to the point where I don't care what the "reason" the parent has. Either be a good parent or don't have children. It's very easy.
6. Buffy! really it's true. She is heaven sent. I always *knew* that god put me on the journey to meet my surrogate. And now she is like an old friend. just talking with her today made me feel better!
7. I take excellent care of my body/health. Seeing as I almost wasn't here, i am determined to eat right/exercise. just really be healthy. I don't take any day for granted, I know how precious they are.

So we wait........................next friday, hopefully we will be in sync.